


too far

by katierosefun



Series: the drought was the very worst [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Protective Obi-Wan Kenobi, Protective Rex, Rex Needs a Hug, Whump, behaviors will not be specified/vague as possible, tbh they all need a hug and lots of rest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25108696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katierosefun/pseuds/katierosefun
Summary: …or after the events of Order 66 and Mustafar, Ahsoka distracts herself. Or tries to. Things go awry. Rex gets worried. Obi-Wan feels a little too much of everything at once. Ahsoka realizes enough is enough is enough.
Relationships: CT-7567 | Rex & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & CT-7567 | Rex
Series: the drought was the very worst [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1743877
Comments: 9
Kudos: 175





	too far

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is loosely tied to my Ahsoka-Rex-and-Obi-Wan-all-live-on-Tatooine-together-AU, although you don't have to read the previous fics (take this sinking boat, burning) to understand the gist of this one! 
> 
> This fic discusses disordered eating/eating disorders. Behaviors themselves are not graphic, as the vast majority of this story is in an outsider's perspective. Bodies are also not completely described, as I do not think it is productive to portray such images all the time. However, if you believe any content discussing eating disorders might be triggering, then I would ask you to turn away from this fic.
> 
> And an additional note: if you are struggling with an eating disorder, please know that recovery is possible, and that you have so much life left to live. Recovery means being able to have the energy to do things like write and read and watch movies and talk to your friends and do things that an eating disorder would otherwise not allow you. Recovery is difficult, but I promise you-as someone who has been recovered for a little over a year now-that it is so, so worth it.

The scariest part was that Rex wasn’t sure how it started. He tried to comb through his memories, try to find a single moment to pinpoint when the quiet sneaking and excuses began, but all he came up with was a blur of grief and strained smiles that had been present even before they finally went to Tatooine.

He had thought that they had settled into some routine after they found Obi-Wan Kenobi. They had been relieved to find each other. There had been quiet tears and sitting outside of the general’s hut, looking up at the moons and the stars for some answer that the galaxy had not deigned to give its lost children.

They had settled eventually. Or, at least, they had settled the best they could.

Obi-Wan was usually awake first. Or, at least, he was the one awake in time for the suns. He was always making tea by the time Rex woke, and Ahsoka would have already been out by then. A morning meditation and then a training session on her own. She would always return sweaty and bright-eyed, but at least she had been smiling a little then, even if it was a tired one.

Rex joined her sometimes. He marveled at how she soared and twisted through the air, picked up items that had to weigh as much as herself. She was always focused, her face determined and movements swift, efficient through whatever movement she had chosen for the morning.

Obi-Wan would come out sometimes too. He would always remind Ahsoka to stretch before and after, and she listened at first. She indulged in the quiet stretches with Obi-Wan, and then she would be darting off to whatever was on task for the rest of the day.

And the tasks for the day were usually simple: checking the generator, sweeping through the HoloNet for any hints of Jedi survivors or troopers. Obi-Wan would sometimes go visit the market to bring back food, and Rex would accompany him. Rex had felt strange at first, wearing civilian clothes in such a public space instead of his own armor. He knew Ahsoka had felt the same at first, as she had also swapped her own clothes for baggier, plainer civilian clothing. But he got used to that, too.

He remembered a different trooper from what felt like a lifetime: a trooper who had deserted and found a family of his own. A farmer, that was what he was. Rex wondered how Cut Lawquane fared now—if he had been affected at all by the chip in his head. Rex liked to think that Cut was unaffected by the chip completely. He liked to think that Cut had been blissfully unaware of the hundreds of thousands of deaths that had rippled across the galaxy. He liked to think that on the day everything changed, Cut had been playing with his children. Gone to bed with his wife and woken up the next morning to do it all again.

Rex wondered what Cut would probably say to him now—Rex without his armor, Rex posing as a simple civilian with no responsibilities or duties other than helping his family friend with chores.

That was another thing Rex wasn’t quite sure he could get used to: referring to Obi-Wan as a _family friend_ was perhaps the closest to the truth Rex could ever get to in public, but still. He sometimes snuck glances at the man, wondering exactly what thoughts were going through his head.

Different.

Everything was different and becoming different too fast.

And perhaps it was because things were becoming so different so fast that Rex hadn’t noticed that Ahsoka had started getting up earlier than even Obi-Wan to head out for the day. She wouldn’t come back until it was nearly noon, and before either Obi-Wan or Rex could say anything, she would be rushing for the refresher to take a shower.

And when Ahsoka came out, she would already be rushing out again, saying she needed to take care of the eopies or do some maintenance work on the ship or something else along those lines. Rex would throw her some food—a meal pack, _something_ , and she would take it and smile. She would always smile, that was what Rex knew and memorized and looked back on with some mixture of horror and shame.

Obi-Wan had been the one to speak first.

Rex and Obi-Wan had been organizing some of the books—and Obi-Wan had brought _many_ books. The man had turned back around to the door of the hut and frowned.

“Obi-Wan?” Rex asked now, the name still feeling strange. Obi-Wan had been the one to insist that Rex stop calling him _general_. (“The war is over,” Obi-Wan had said gently. “You may as well begin using my actual name.”)

“Something’s wrong,” Obi-Wan murmured, his eyes staring past the door.

Rex turned around to where he was looking, as though he, too, could look through the door and into the desert beyond. “Sir?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes snapped back into focus. “Stay here,” he only said, and before Rex could ask anything more, the man was rushing out of the hut, not even bothering to take his cloak. Rex stayed by the bookcase, his hands still laden with books. He waited a full three seconds before shoving the books away and rushing out the door after Obi-Wan.

He found Obi-Wan’s form rushing for the ship, and then Rex remembered that Ahsoka had said that she was going to make some upgrades to that battered thing. Rex’s blood ran cold as he broke into a jog. His mind ran with the possibilities—something must have malfunctioned, or maybe someone had broken into the ship—

Rex made it to the ramp of the ship and clambered up.

If Obi-Wan was annoyed that Rex hadn’t bothered listening to his orders, he didn’t show it. Obi-Wan only climbed up the ramp, his eyes surveying the small space until—

“Master,” Ahsoka said, spinning around in the co-pilot’s seat. She was wearing a pair of goggles that were only slightly misted over. She pushed them up to her forehead, her brows furrowing as she beheld Obi-Wan and Rex. “Is there something wrong?”

Rex was wondering the same thing. He looked at Obi-Wan, who only stared.

Rex turned back around at Ahsoka. She seemed perfectly at ease, her elbows resting against the armrests of the co-pilot’s seat. But then, there—Rex noticed the slightest of trembles in Ahsoka’s shoulders. He saw slight goosebumps despite the fact that the inside of the ship was just as hot—if not a little hotter—as the desert outside.

“I felt—” Obi-Wan frowned. “For a moment, your presence—” He stopped short, his eyes scanning Ahsoka’s form. A moment later, he asked, “Are you cold?”

“Just a little,” Ahsoka replied lightly. She rolled her shoulders and smiled. “Don’t worry about it,” she said, spinning back around in the co-pilot’s seat, her back to them. “It’s just something that goes on and off. Nothing to worry about.”

“If you’re feeling cold in this kind of weather,” Rex began, but Ahsoka waved a hand.

“I’m fine,” she said, still not turning around. Her arms briefly lifted to lower her goggles back over her face. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

That was the end of the conversation.

Rex turned to Obi-Wan. He expected him to say something, but Obi-Wan only kept his eyes on Ahsoka’s back. Rex looked to Ahsoka’s back too. Thought that her shoulders were a little more hunched than they used to be.

“Don’t work too hard,” was all Obi-Wan said before he walked out of the ship.

And Rex only cast Ahsoka a final glance—a final glance at her hunched shoulders and those slight goosebumps—before following Obi-Wan out.

And they were silent on their walk back to the hut. Rex didn’t need to be in touch with the living Force to know that Obi-Wan was troubled, especially as Obi-Wan paused by the door of the hut and turned back to the ship, his brows furrowed and eyes distant.

“What exactly did you…feel?” Rex asked at last.

For a moment, Obi-Wan didn’t speak.

Rex was wondering if perhaps he shouldn’t have asked anything at all when Obi-Wan said, “Something familiar.”

Rex raised an eyebrow. “Familiar?”

Obi-Wan blinked. Then he turned back around to Rex and gave him a sad smile. “She’s tired,” he said. He looked to the ship again, and Rex had the feeling he was speaking more to himself than to Rex when he added, “We have best make sure she doesn’t strain herself too much.”

“Yes, sir,” Rex replied, thinking about the goosebumps on Ahsoka’s shoulders.

\--

Ahsoka came back a few hours later as she said she would. The sky was already dark out, lit only by the stars.

“Smells good,” Ahsoka said, throwing her cloak over a chair. “New recipe?”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan replied, picking up Ahsoka’s cloak and hanging it over a hook. “Wash up as quickly as you can.”

“Sure thing,” Ahsoka replied, and she disappeared through the refresher.

Rex had finished setting the table when Ahsoka re-appeared, freshly showered and clothes changed. She threw the dirty laundry into a basket and sat down next to Rex.

Dinner started quietly—Obi-Wan passed Ahsoka the platter of food, which she took some pieces from before passing it on.

Rex noticed that Ahsoka’s hands slightly shook as she cut into her food. When she passed another plate to Rex, he brushed his fingers against hers. They were ice-cold, so much colder than Rex had remembered. He jumped a little, but Ahsoka was already turning away, saying something about the engines of the ship.

Rex nodded animatedly to Ahsoka’s conversation, but he rubbed his hand against his pant leg, trying to warm the spot where she had just touched.

\--

Rex woke to hearing a quiet swear.

He pushed himself up on his elbows to find Ahsoka standing above her cot, gathering up her clothes. She was wearing a pair of leggings and a baggy, sleeveless top—and through the haze of sleep, Rex wondered if the top had been as loose as it was now.

“Ahsoka?” he mumbled, wiping a hand across his eyes.

Ahsoka froze, and even in the dim morning light, he could have sworn her eyes widened just a fraction of an inch. Then, she whispered, “Sorry. Go back to sleep.”

“Are you already back from training?” Rex asked, sitting up.

“Yes. No.” Ahsoka’s voice was strange, pitched slightly higher than Rex was used to. “Just getting a change for…” Her voice drifted, and then she shook her head. “Just go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.”

Rex frowned, but Ahsoka was already turning away, rushing out the door.

Rex caught a glimpse of the sweat drenched through the back of Ahsoka’s tunic.

\--

“Here,” Rex said, throwing Ahsoka the meal packs.

Ahsoka blinked. And then, with a slow smile that didn’t seem to fit her face, she asked, “Do you think I have two stomachs, Rex?”

“You’re training harder,” Rex replied. “You need more food.”

“I’ll be fine,” Ahsoka said, throwing back a meal pack. “One will do just fine.”

But Obi-Wan threw the meal pack back at Ahsoka. “You’ll take it,” was all he said.

For a moment, Ahsoka’s expression turned stony—angry, cold—but in the next second, she just nodded. She stuck the extra meal pack in her bag and flung open the door. She disappeared in a flash of grey and orange, and this time, Rex and Obi-Wan exchanged looks before going on with the rest of their day.

\--

“Ahsoka?” Rex walked up the ramp of the ship. The ship was dead quiet except for the distant hum of the engines and the lights. He made his way across the hall and slipped into the cockpit.

He found Ahsoka slouched over the consoles, her head resting on a set of folded arms. Her eyes were closed, bruise-colored shadows dancing across her face. Despite the heat, Ahsoka had wrapped a cloak around herself.

Rex pushed out a quiet sigh. He would have to wake her, get her back to the hut.

But before he could move forward, something flashed in the corner of his eye.

Rex frowned, turning towards that brief glimmer of light. One of the sun’s rays had just barely hit upon some small pocket of the ship.

Rex walked forward, towards that small glimmer—and then he found himself staring at the folds of a meal pack sticking out a compartment. Rex frowned and turned around to where Ahsoka was still slumped over the consoles. He turned back around to the compartment, and his stomach twisting, he slid it open.

Unopened meal packs.

Too many of them.

Rex stared.

And then he closed the compartment.

He stood up robotically and turned back around to Ahsoka.

When he woke her, Ahsoka took too long to focus on him. Her eyes—once so bright—were dull, confused. She groaned, picking her head up off the console as though it weighed more than the galaxy itself. “Rex,” she mumbled, standing up, and then she stumbled.

Rex moved himself forward automatically, just barely catching her before she could fall to her knees. “Easy,” he said, still thinking about the unopened meal packs. “Careful.”

Ahsoka breathed in deeply, her head dipping for a second.

And then she lifted up her head again, eyes still glazed but just a bit more focused.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” she said, disentangling herself from Rex. She gave him a sheepish smile. “Must have stood up too fast.”

Rex thought about the unopened meal packs in the compartment.

“Or maybe you’re hungry,” Rex said.

Ahsoka paused. She turned towards him, just the slightest bit, her eyes searching Rex’s face. “For dinner,” was all she said. “Hungry for dinner.”

 _Liar_ , Rex thought.

\--

Obi-Wan passed Ahsoka a plate of pre-arranged food.

Ahsoka stared down at the plate. Lifted her eyebrows. Looked up at Obi-Wan.

“What is this?” she asked flatly.

“You’ve been working too much,” Obi-Wan replied, handing Ahsoka a knife and fork. “You need more food, especially at your age.”

Ahsoka didn’t take the offered utensils. “I’m not a child,” she said. “I don’t need…this.” She gestured at the plate.

“You need food,” Obi-Wan replied mildly. “All living things do.”

“Well, maybe—” Ahsoka started, and then she stopped. She swallowed and took the utensils from Obi-Wan.

\--

Rex found Ahsoka leaning against the outside of the hut, breathing heavily. One hand rested flat against the plaster, the other pressed against her knees.

“Ahsoka—” Rex started, but Ahsoka’s knees were already buckling, and he lunged, already shouting for Obi-Wan.

\--

“How did you know?” Rex asked Obi-Wan.

They were sitting together in the kitchen, side-by-side, their eyes lingering on Ahsoka’s sleeping form in the room beyond.

“Grief does strange things to people,” Obi-Wan replied, looking down at the mug in his hands. “Makes people crave for any kid of distraction.” He set his mug down on the table, the look on his face a quiet kind of pained. “Some people take to physical isolation. Relationships. Drink.” A sardonic smile. “The news.” He clasped his hands in his lap. “Anything that can take away from the pain.” He looked over at Rex. “I’m sure this doesn’t sound unfamiliar to you.”

Rex paused. “Sometimes, I would find my brothers…” His voice drifted. “Most of them were good at hiding things.”

“I’m sure,” Obi-Wan replied quietly.

Rex stared at Ahsoka. Even from this distance, he could still see the shadows on her face. “And you, sir?” he asked at last. “You speak like you’re familiar with Ahsoka’s particular form of…distraction.”

“How perceptive of you.”

Rex startled. “I didn’t—”

“No, Rex,” Obi-Wan replied with a slight smile. “It’s good that you pick up on these things. Comes in handy, although I’m sure you already know that.” He shifted in his seat. “There was a time,” he said. “When I was much younger. Shortly after my own master’s death.” He wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Grief does strange things to people,” he repeated. “Only back then, I had…” His breath caught, and Rex watched, pained, as Obi-Wan turned away quickly.

“These things take time,” Obi-Wan said at last.

Rex looked at Ahsoka’s sleeping form.

“Good thing we have that,” he said.

\--

Ahsoka awoke.

She saw Rex and Obi-Wan’s faces first. Saw the relief.

They told her to stop.

“I don’t know how to,” she said.

She wanted to, though. She so badly wanted to.

But at the same time—

How could she explain, she wanted to ask. How could she properly explain how the haze in her head kept her from thinking too much about the men—her friends—who had pointed their blasters at her or the too many opportunities she had lost at speaking to—

How could she properly explain how the haze in her head kept her from thinking too much about the fact that somewhere out there, her master—

Somewhere out there, the galaxy waited for her and whispered that _all things end_ , and although she could run as fast and as far as she could dare try, the answer would still be waiting for her.

How could she explain this to Obi-Wan and Rex, she had yet to find out.

They told her to be patient.

They told her to take it day by day.

They told her that the galaxy might whisper that _all things end_ , but the galaxy also promised that there were still new beginnings waiting.

Ahsoka reached for that beginning.

\--

And that new beginning was difficult.

Difficult in the way all new beginnings were difficult.

Difficult beginnings that left Ahsoka sitting still beside Obi-Wan in the mornings. Difficult beginnings that left Ahsoka reading through books with Rex. Difficult beginnings that left Ahsoka eventually sitting in the co-pilot’s seat of the ship by herself, meditating without the grumble of hunger in her stomach.

The new beginning was difficult.

But she clung to it.

And the galaxy responded that it had not forgotten all of its children.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was a little more personal for me to write largely because I struggled with an eating disorder for some time. If you have been following my stories for a while now, you'll know that I took a hiatus starting around 2016-2017. I didn't have a whole ton of energy to do anything, and I took part in behaviors that I am not proud of. Strangely, when the Clone Wars season 7 trailer dropped, I had just committed myself to recovering. (After many failed attempts.) I felt a little braver, strangely-mostly because I felt almost as if my childhood friends had come back to tell me to get ahold of myself. Which I did, and I am so much happier than I've ever been.
> 
> I am by no means a licensed health practitioner/therapist, but I also want to add some things: eating disorders don't have a look (which is why I didn't want to elaborate on any physical appearances in this fic), and eating disorders certainly affect people of all genders. Eating disorders also do not necessarily stem from a desire to 'look good'. Often times they stem from some deeper issue within.
> 
> Some incredibly helpful podcasts that talk more about eating disorders/disordered eating: Food Psych by Christy Harrison, Dieticians Unplugged, Love Food.
> 
> Some incredibly cool people to follow on social media: chri1styharrison, bodyimage_therapist, bodyposipanda, thedietboycott, thefuckitdiet.
> 
> Wishing you all the love and support should you be struggling. My private messages/tumblr (found at katierosefun) is always open if you feel like you need to talk to someone about this! Stay safe, and remember that you are extremely loved, and you are not forgotten. New beginnings are difficult, but they are so incredibly worth it.


End file.
